The Reason I Breathe
by JeffersonStarship
Summary: Sam and Dean are joined by Jenna Margosi on a hunt, and the hunt doesn't go according to planned. Another story in my Jen / Cas pairing series. ADULT CONTENT.
1. Chapter 1

_**AUTHOR'S NOTE**_ - Here is a multi chapter fic I have been working on for the past couple weeks. The Lyrics included in this first part are from a song called "Always" by Saliva - one of my favourite songs at the moment. I thought the lyrics were appropriate to where I wanted to take this.

I hope you enjoy the story ....

**_THE REASON I BREATHE_**

Am I your one and only desire

Am I the reason you breathe

Or am I the reason you cry?

_**PROLOGUE.**_

It all started with a dream ...

A dream of a place I didn't know, that I had never seen before, of a time long before I was even born.

I was walking barefoot through trees of green, following a winding path lazily, unhurried while the sounds of fighting echoed on the breezes.

I stopped; I turned, and saw him.

The horseman ... bearing down on me, on a steed of black ... his clothes were of black brocade shot through with silver thread, ripped in several places, bloody patches and raw skin showing through.

Without looking to see if the way behind me was safe, I ran, stumbling over a pumpkin left by the side of the path. I cowered upon the ground as the horsemen drew closer ... and I looked up where his head should have been, of which there was none ...

"NO HEAD!! NO HEAD! NO HEAD!" I moaned, unable to stop the swing of the headless horseman's blade as he struck ...

********************************************************

I sat up in bed with a scream, forming a name.

The name was SAM although I had no clue as to why I felt scared for the life of the youngest Winchester as Sam had made no appearance in my dream at all. Yet still I felt like his blood was on my hands ...

*********************************************************

I started at the familiar sounds of flapping wings, and the presence of Cas pushing on my senses.

I sat up in bed, to find Cas sitting on the edge of it, staring at me with soulful eyes and loving look, and I grinned at him, drawing him into a hug and kissing him gently.

"Long time no see, warrior!" I murmured into his neck.

"I've been fighting to stop another seal from being broken, Jen. I could not come before," Cas murmured back. "This time, we won, but I'm afraid that next time you may not be quite so lucky!"

"Another seal is about to be broken?" I asked him, sitting up straighter in my bed, to stare at the angel before me.

Castiel gave me one of his slow nods of assent, never taking his eyes from mine as he did so.

"Beware the horseman on the black steed, for he cometh, Jen. And look out for Sam - he is not safe and needs to be watched. Make sure you make the right decision, when the time comes - listen to your heart, not your head - all will be forgiven!" Cas said cryptically.

"Cas, I don't know what any of this means!" I told him.

"You will, soon enough, Jen, you will!" Castiel said, sadly, turning his puppy face onto mine again.

He leant into me again, planting a kiss on my forehead, and I knew no more, until the sun rose again in the sky ...

to be continued


	2. Chapter 2

_**CHAPTER ONE.**_

A week later and I had all but forgotten my disturbing dream and Cas' warning... at least for the time being. I was on the road again, on another hunt, joining the Winchester brothers once again, like I was wont to do nowadays. I had grown tired of hunting alone, so when both Sam and Dean proposed that I join forces with them, I agreed, with some relief. Sam didn't even complain when I inadvertently started calling him Sammy, like Dean did.

The latest hunt took us to a nondescript little town on the outskirts of New York, somewhere I'd never been before. The place was quaint, yet strangely creepy, like walking back in time to a long forgotten era, a ghost town almost. There'd been a spate of murders around the town - mostly people coming on from the outside, all reported missing, before their headless bodies turned up some time later. Something smacked of the supernatural to us, which is why we were here now.

I shivered, despite the September warmth and rubbed my hands protectively over goose pimpled flesh, smiling slightly when I felt a warming presence around me. I felt the faint impression of arms holding me, a brush of a wingtip across my cheek and a faint touch of lips to mine. Wherever the angel Castiel was now, he was giving me a hug from afar and it was comforting. I smiled, feeling a glow spread from the inside out, feeling happy in the knowledge that wherever Castiel was now, he was still thinking about, still watching over me and it made me happy.

Dean was eying me dubiously, before saying - "What the hell was that, Jenna? I thought I felt something ... "

"It was Cas. He just gave me a hug," I said, quietly, wishing the angel, my angel was here with me - I missed him.

"Wow, what other perks do you get with having your own personal angel, Jenna?" Dean asked, eyes popping.

I had to laugh at that, but Sam shoved Dean playfully away from me.

"Shut up, you can't ask her that!" he said. "Jerk!"

"Bitch!" Dean said, shoving his brother firmly back.

I shook my head at the incorrigible Winchesters before walking away from them, to stare across the fields before us. Each and every one of them around us was filled with crops.

All fields except one.

A field full of early pumpkins. Each and every one of them was glowing a vivid orange, seemingly too bright in the sunshine.

I shuddered involuntarily at the sudden half remembered memory of tripping over a pumpkin by the side of a lane, but the memory was fleeting, flittered away, gone, before I could fully remember.

"Seems strange how everything is so quiet here," Sam murmured beside me, quietly, musingly.

"Seems unnatural, doesn't it?" I agreed.

Sam didn't say anything more, merely nodded, but Dean was the one to break the silence and what he said mostly consisted of the word pie and hungry and cheeseburger.

I had to grin at the hungry Winchester, before climbing back in my faithful Mustang and following Dean's Impala down the road, further into the town, little knowing how much trouble we were actually driving headlong into.


	3. Chapter 3

_**CHAPTER TWO.**_

I waited outside with Sam while Dean ordered the food in a take out cafe. Neither Sam nor I spoke, but the silence was unsettling. My thoughts drifted to Castiel, and I wished once again he was here.

I frowned suddenly when I heard the sounds of approaching hooves, coming closer with every stride. I straightened and looked down the road, remembering Cas' warning of beware the horseman on the black steed, but I saw nothing. The sounds of hooves came closer still, and by the closeness of them, I should have seen something.

"What's wrong?" Sam asked when he saw my alertness.

"Can't you hear that?" A horse, coming closer?" I asked, turning a frown up at the younger Winchester.

"A horse? No, I can't hear a horse!" Sam replied, frowning back at me. "Perhaps you can hear what Castiel's hearing. You know that freaky soul mate thing you've got going on plays with your mind!"

"Maybe," I said, but I wasn't convinced.

It felt like I was hearing something where I was, not where Cas was. The sound was far too near, far too real to be an echo from Cas. I walked slightly away from Sam, further down the road, trying to see the source of the unseen hooves, squinting down the hazy road, but still there was nothing to see.

I flinched slightly when a gust of wind passed right by me, as though of someone's passing, but I saw nothing only felt it.

I turned back, trying to make out something, but soon forgot about the unseen wind, when I noticed that Sam had gone ....

to be continued ....


	4. Chapter 4

_**CHAPTER THREE.**_

_**"**_SAM?" I called to the empty street, turning right round on the spot where I stood in the vain hope I might see the tall Winchester somewhere other than where I had left him.

Sam was nowhere to be seen, with no explanation as to where he had gone. Dean chose that moment to come out of the cafe, carrying several packages of food in overflowing arms.

"Dean? You seen Sam?" I asked him, falteringly. "Did Sam go in to the cafe to use the bathroom or something?"

Dean shot me a puzzled look, before he said - "No, Jenna! Sam didn't come in at all! He was with you the whole time! Wasn't he?"

I didn't answer, because he was, and then he was not.

He looked around at the otherwise too deserted street, as flurries of dead leaves blew past in September breezes. His brow furrowed in concern, before he shouted - "SAM? SAM? SAMMY?"

He got the same response as I did - nothing. There was silence all around us - the only sound coming from a herd of cows somewhere nearby, lowing rather ominously into the silence.

"This isn't right - where could he have gotten to?" Dean asked, setting down his food on the hood of his car to come stand next to me.

"I don't know. I left his side for no more than five seconds, yet when I turned back, he was gone!" I said, before telling him about the sound of a horse running past me, when there was no horse there to be seen.

Dean frowned, but didn't say anything. Unlike Cas, I didn't know his thoughts, his emotions, and found Dean hard to read. I didn't know what was going through his head right then, but I knew what was going through mine - a memory of Castiel telling me to watch out for Sam. I hadn't done a good job with that had I? I felt like I'd failed the angel, and I didn't like the feeling at all. I wondered how Cas would react when I told him, if he didn't already know.

Plus we all knew that the previous victims had all borne a similar description as Sam.

"Jenna? It looks like you have seen a ghost!" Dean commented peering into my face with some degree of concern.

I looked up into his large green eyes and swallowed past the lump in my throat.

"I haven't ... at least not yet!" I said, before telling Dean of Cas' warning from the week before.

The recriminations I expected from the other hunter didn't come, but that didn't make him look any less concerned or angry.

"You didn't know, Jenna. How could you have known when you were supposed to look out for Sammy, if Cas didn't tell you?" Dean asked quietly, anger turning his eyes a darker shade of green than normal.

I didn't say anything to that - there was nothing I could say, at any rate.

I went back to staring at the road, watching the dance of the leaves upon the tarmac, before I saw something that looked very out of place indeed ....


	5. Chapter 5

_**CHAPTER FOUR.**_

By the side of the road lay a smashed pumpkin, bright orange flesh a lurid splatter against the much darker ground. I briefly wondered why I hadn't noticed it before, but I guess my attention had been rather taken up by Sam's disappearance.

I drew Dean's attention to it, before walking over there, kneeling down by the smashed fruit curiously. Something about the things sudden appearance unnerved me, especially as I couldn't think of a rational explanation as to why a solitary pumpkin had been smashed at the roadside.

"What are you thinking of, Jenna?" Dean asked, quietly, as he stood behind me to stare down at the offending item.

"This has something to do with Sam's disappearance in some way," I murmured, poking the pumpkin experimentally.

I guess it was a vain hope that I briefly held that it would just get on up and just tell me already where Sam was. That was something we'd have to work out between us.

"Scoop some of that shit up, Jenna - we're asking around, see if anyone's seen Sammy," Dean said, brusquely before striding off to the cafe without further word.

I scooped up some of the pumpkin in a tissue I had in my pocket, before sliding the whole lot into my pocket. I briefly wondered whether Dean was merely thinking of eating the pumpkin rather than using it as some kind of evidence, but I didn't think even Dean would eat something we'd scraped up off the side of the road.

I followed the other hunter, and remained silent - mostly - as he questioned the few inhabitants of the cafe. I couldn't help but feel their animosity towards us - strangers from out of town in their midst - and I couldn't help but think of the movie Deliverance. As soon as we'd found Sam, these guys of this little town could kiss my ass goodbye as far as I was concerned. The whole place, as well as the townsfolk made me uneasy.

As expected, none of them had seen a thing, or so they said, but I doubted they would tell us, even if they had. Talk about a closed community.

In the end, Dean left the cafe, grumpily, looking just as dissatisfied as I felt right then.

"Let's try and find a motel round these parts. I wanna check the web, look for local legends or something!" Dean muttered, before getting into his Impala, and waving me almost impatiently to my own Mustang.

I rolled my eyes at the elder Winchester before doing just that, starting the car up and following the Impala slowly down the street.

For one brief instant, high up on a hillside overlooking the town itself, I swore I saw the fuzzy outline of a horse and it's rider, rearing up against the true blue sky, before galloping off out of sight, with a sepulchral laugh and neigh, followed by the slowly fading sound of hooves ...

to be continued ..


	6. Chapter 6

_**CHAPTER SIX.**_

Castiel took me back to my own house that I hadn't seen in so long, since being on the road with Sam and Dean. It felt good to be back, and definitely good to be there with Cas. As soon as we were through the door, his lips found mine, and I kissed him back as hungrily as he kissed me. I couldn't get enough of feeling him beneath my hands, pressed up against me, hard and ready against my leg.

"Oh, God, Cas!" I murmured against his lips, drawing him to the sofa nearby.

I knew if Cas was feeling anything like the way I was right now - there was no way we'd make it to the bedroom and it felt as though I'd waited long enough to feel him on me, inside me, and I moaned in pleasure as I eased his coat from his shoulders, watching it fall to the floor. He helped me with the removal of his clothing, licking his lips in anticipation, making me tighten in response to him, so much so that it felt like a physical pain, I wanted him so bad right then.

His hands were shaking slightly when he ran them over me, proof positive that some of the vessel's emotions were taking a hold of the angel's senses right then, and I arched into his touch, as he pushed my t shirt over my head, dropping that to the floor to join his own clothes there.

I murmured his name again, as he lowered his head to a breast, to gently nibble and suck on my nipple. I ran fingers through his hair, marvelling at the softness, arching up into him once again as I moaned at his careful ministrations.

"Oh, Cas, please ... " I murmured, as his hands travelled downwards, ever downwards, before he helped me out of my trousers.

I felt myself tighten even further in response to him, found myself wanting him, as Cas trailed kisses up to my neck, nibbling gently on the skin there, as I closed my eyes at the pleasurable feelings coursing through me.

I sucked in a breath as he thrust himself roughly inside me, and I arched up into him once again, running hands over his back as he withdrew almost to the head. I rose up to meet him, as he thrust into me once again, hitting me in the right spot time and time again, until I felt a climax pooling in my abdomen, drawing ever nearer, as my body moved in rhythm to his.

I felt my time coming, and I didn't hold it back, just gave in to waves of pleasure coursing through me, screaming his name to the heavens. I held him as he continued to thrust into me, until he buried his face in my neck, giving himself over to his own climax, murmuring my name into the skin of my neck.

We held each other, sweating, silent, breathing hard as we came down from waves of bliss, limbs entwined while we rested.

I kissed him gently, before falling asleep slowly in his arms, never feeling more safe, more protected than I did right then.

The last thing I heard before sleep claimed me was a murmured "I love you!" from Cas.

I smiled slightly at that, but didn't have the strength any more to tell him I loved him back.

But he knew. I knew he could feel it how much I loved him ...

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The next morning and Bobby was there by the time Cas and I returned to the motel room.

Bobby was looking harassed, and the first thing he said to me was - "Where the hell have you been all night!"

"Not here!" was all the answer I wanted to give him.

Bobby looked to Cas, but the stoic angel was not saying anything either.

Dean harrumphed then threw the pair of us a wink, before saying to Bobby - "You're not her father, Bobby! She can go where she wants! And with whom!"

He looked like he was enjoying this all too much, but at least Bobby didn't press the issue. Actually I felt a little flattered than Bobby was even showing that much concern - not that I'd ever say as much to him myself. In some regards Bobby reminded me of the father I hadn't known for so long, after mine died after a werewolf attack.

At Bobby's prompting, between us Dean and I told him all that we knew about Sam's disappearance, which Castiel himself corroborated on my behalf, because he knew I was telling the truth, just through reading my emotions.

In turn Bobby told us all he knew about the Headless Horseman legend, which pretty much boiled down to a case of hard boiled vengeance.

It seemed as though this Horseman was once a Hessian soldier, whose head was blown off by a cannonball and was now forever doomed to roam the Earth seeking out the people who'd done it to him. He seemed to just pick random victims, to behead them. According to the legend that Bobby knew, The Headless Horseman always returned to his source of power, which always invariably turned out to be a tree of immense age in the middle of an orchard.

"Know any trees like that in the area?" Bobby asked first Dean, then I.

Neither of us knew, being unfamiliar with the area, but Dean seemed confident that we would be able to find it.

"After all, this is not a big town - I doubt we could miss an orchard with a freaking great big tree stuck in the middle of it!" he said, with a hint of a smile, despite the gravity of the situation.

I smiled back, but without any warmth - I still felt responsible for Sam's disappearance because I had been the one with the younger Winchester, despite being helpless to stop the abduction.

Castiel rubbed one hand on my shoulder and warmth spread through me. I had to smile at that - angel comfort at work again.

Bobby was the one to usher us from the room, because we really didn't know how much times we had left to us, or rather left to Sam.

It turned out that Dean was right.

A brief walk through the town itself revealed there was an orchard nearby, previously unnoticed as being unimportant before now. Upon walking into it's leafy depths, and walking for what seemed an impossible age, as the orchard itself did not seem as large as the walk would suggest, brought us to the oldest tree any of us had ever seen.

"How old is this thing?" Dean asked, in wonder, circling its base, running his hand over its rough trunk.

Castiel was eying the tree with a practiced eye, and I felt his reverence for something that was possibly older even than he.

I wasn't surprised when he said - "This tree is even older than I am. I do not how old - it is just older!"

"Whoah!" Bobby murmured, and it looked as though the older hunter was more impressed than I'd ever seen him.

"So what do we do now?" I asked, looking to Castiel for answers rather than Dean or Bobby.

It was Bobby who answered, by saying - "We go in!"


	7. Chapter 7

Thank you williewildcat for your review!! As to the tree, There will be a brief back story of it in the next chapter!! ;)

_**CHAPTER SEVEN.**_

_**"**_Go in? But that's impossible!" Dean replied, staring at the older hunter as thought Bobby had finally run mad.

"Not when you have a doorway is it!" Bobby responded, pointing to a crawlspace large enough to admit even Dean's tall frame easily, if he crawled in headfirst.

"No freaking way am I going in there!" Dean replied, before shaking his head. "No, I have to - the reason I breathe!"

He shot me a look, and I nodded once at him, in my pale imitation of Cas, and Dean nodded back. He was of course referring to my comments of last night to help him draw strength for the task ahead - a task he had to do for Sam, his own reason to breathe. I didn't need to be a mind reader to know how much he cared for his little brother, how much he wanted to protect him from everything he could, despite anything the pair of them might go through.

I watched him crawl through, before Bobby followed directly after him.

Cas and I remained outside, guarding the hole for fear of the return of the Headless Horseman.

I'd brought my katana from the trunk of my car, yet the normally sturdy looking blade looked puny in comparison to the blade which Castiel withdrew from seemingly nowhere. I watched him from the corner of my eye, reveling in the sight that Cas made, and I finally got the sense of how great a warrior Cas truly was, with just the way he held himself.

Dean and Bobby seemed to be taking an awfully long time returning with Sammy and I was about to point this out to Cas when from afar I heard the sounds of far off hooves coming closer. Instinctively I settled into a warrior's stance, settling forward on one foot and readying my blade. Beside me, Cas was doing the same, and I tried not to get distracted by him.

I watched as the horseman cantered to a stop in front of us, and I tried not to show my horror at his appearance. The body was there, whole, perfect, and not like the ghostly shimmering image I expected, yet his head was no longer where it should be. The head was staring down at us from the back of the saddle, eyes glowing an ominous red, teeth filed to dangerous points as he grinned at us.

The majority of the Horseman alighted and came towards us, drawing a sword of his own from a scabbard by his side, executing a perfect warrior's salute. Wordlessly both Cas and I returned the salute.

Without warning, the Horseman advanced, and I barely blocked the blow, before his blade bit into the flesh of my neck. I found my self staring into the space where the Horseman's eyes should have been, knowing that somehow, he was staring right back at me. I didn't know how, but I could feel his eyes boring into mine, almost burning me with their intensity.

Cas ran the Horseman through with his blade, flames licking from the metal to the Horseman's body, but the blow did nothing to detain him. The Horseman continued to fight us, never growing weak or tired, as I did, as even Cas did, eventually.

The Horseman took advantage of that, driving the angel to the ground, holding his blade to the angel's throat, an looking ready to administer the final killing blow.

A certain calmness descended upon me - the calm before the storm i'd heard so much about yet never believed. I could not stand here and watch while some freak took away all that I lived for, my one reason to continue to breathe.

I rushed forward, running the horseman through with my blade, twisting it heftily into the Horseman's body, swearing at the one who would take the angel from me. I laid one hand on the horseman's twitching body, withdrawing my blade, as flames licked hungrily at the body. Strangely the flames did not burn me, or affect me in any way - all I felt was the vaguest of tickles on the flesh of my hand.

The Horseman exploded around me in dusty motes, showering Cas with the remnants of his essence, making the angel choke, before the dust disappeared. I knelt by the angel's side, running hands over his body, checking to see if he was unharmed and really still there in one piece, before looking up and over at the horse.

The horse, of course, was no longer there - dispatched into non existence with his master, along with his master's head.

"What took you so long, Dean?" was the first thing I said to the other hunter. "Were you having a tea party down there or what? We were getting killed out here!"

"Who do you think I am - Alice?" Dean typically responded. "D'you realize how hard an unconscious Sammy is to move? I would have come sooner if not for the Sasquatch!"

"I heard that!" came Sam's tired voice from nearby.

"SAM? You okay?" I asked, upon hearing his voice.

"Been better! You?" Sam responded.

"Surprisingly good!" I said, as I looked down into Castiel's large blue eyes as he watched me during my exchange.

"I'm good!" I said, quietly, before leaning down to gently kiss Cas where he lay.

Dean was the first to break the silence.

"What do we do now?" Dean asked no one in particular.

"Burn it!" was all I said, pointing to the tree without taking my eyes from Castiel's.

When no one moved, Castiel said - "Do as she says!"

His tone brooked no argument and Bobby was the one to step forward, to light the tree with lighter and an aerosol stashed in pockets about his person.

"What good will that do, Bobby?" Sam surprised us all by saying groggily from where he leant on his brother,

"Burn the source of the Horseman's power and the horseman cannot return," Bobby replied, watching the flames lick up the ancient tree.

We remained at the site until the day drew in, and the stars started to glimmer in the night sky.

Bobby was the first to make a move, gesturing for us all to follow. Dean supported Sam's weight as they followed in the older hunter's wake, while Cas gripped me around my waist and just flew us back to the cars.

As we waited for the others to arrive, I hugged the angel to me, drawing comfort from him as he placed warm arms around my waist, neither of us speaking: as neither of us needed to speak.

It seemed an age before Bobby, Dean and Sam came, yet none of them seemed surprised that we were there already, and waiting.


	8. Chapter 8

Thank you williewildcat for your review!! :D hehe, I must admit, I've never read Heart Of Darkness. ;) I already have another story ready to post, but you never know .... maybe I'll attempt a Heart of Darkness style story in the future!! ;) :D

_**EPILOGUE.**_

Sam wasn't able to tell us what had happened to him while he was held captive actually inside the tree, although he could remember a little of the Horseman himself, from the little he'd seen of him prior to being knocked unconscious soon after he was taken from my side.

He remembered the majority of the body-sitting upright on the Horse itself, looking as though he could actually see despite the lack of a head sitting upon his shoulders. The head itself was placed upon the back of the horse's saddle, still seemingly aware, judging by the blinking of the head's eyes, and the movement of the lips. The skin was a deathly pallor, the teeth were sharp points and the eyes were a smoky red that glowed through the darkness at Sam.

We'd all shuddered at the description, even Cas and I who had fought the thing,

At least we knew that the ghost had been destroyed along with his own tree, the source of his power. According to Bobby, the headless horseman was once a Hessian soldier, who was beheaded by a cannonball during the Revolutionary war. His head had later been found by the foot of the tree we now were standing at the foot of, and buried there, to rot away into bones, explaining why he always returned to this particular tree with his victims. Not being able to recover his own head, he attempted to take the heads of his victims. No longer would he darken the earth with his presence, no longer would he take the lives and the heads of people who had done nothing wrong bar staying in the wrong place at the wrong time.

All too soon, it was time for Bobby to go on his way once again, and he left us, the four of us, to decide what to do next.

Sam and Dean decided to hit the road once again, but I chose to stay with Cas, at least for a while, promising the brothers Winchester that I would catch them up somewhere down the road ahead. They both looked at Castiel, as I went to him, putting one arm around his waist. Castiel looked down on me with such tenderness in his eyes, I almost cried, as he wrapped one arm about my shoulders. I stared into those dark blue eyes and smiled wistfully at him, before he leant down and kissed me gently.

Both Dean and Sam made their soft goodbyes, respecting the fact that I had to be with the one I loved, at least for a time, before they both left on silent feet, leaving me with the Angel Castiel, my soul mate, my love ...


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